Rewind Part 2

May 2011 we went for our second test of infertility.  If you don’t know, this is the male test.  After they test the basics on the female they look at the male.  You can imagine how Michael was NOT enjoying that at all, but he did it without complaining.  The results were abnormal.  Both, Michael and I have medical backgrounds and knew that Michael was infertile according to the test results.  We were praying for a miracle at this point.  We had hope! 

But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more.  Psalm 71:14   

I called my OBGYN doctor who immediately referred us to Urology Associates in Tupelo for the first available appointment in July 2011.  After a physical and more lab work, (which confirmed the first lab results and showed another abnormal value) we were sent to UAB in Birmingham, AL.  In the middle of this news we were concerned that it might be cancer or something that could be a lot worse than just infertility.  We already knew the infertile part, but now other issues were more important.  Michael and I still hoped that the infertile issue could be fixed.  We only had two (almost all day) appointments at UAB that ended in the early fall of 2011 (around September) with the following news: “Michael you are infertile, but everything is normal; we don’t know why you are infertile!”

Okay everybody, the next part is real emotions that I felt, don’t judge me!  

Well it didn’t take a genius to know Michael was infertile after the first test!!  (That was my first thought and to be honest I was not happy when we left that day.)  I was mad at the results.  I was mad because of the money spent to find out something I felt like we already knew.  I was mad because of the dancing around the subject that ultimately ended in the above statement.  The doctor did not come out and say that statement; we had to drag that part out of him, to say the least.  I know everybody is different, some people like for things to be sugar coated and some don’t.  I don’t!  I want to know the results and I want to know the options.  That simple! 

I was angry, confused, relieved, devastated, nauseated, tired, and depressed.  All the while I am trying to hold it in to myself and be strong for Michael.  I wanted him to know I loved him no matter what the outcome.  I didn’t want him to worry about our relationship due to the news that was given to us.  I made a vow to Michael and I am a God fearing woman who knows that He is bigger than my problems.

I was angry because (see above statement).  I was confused because I didn’t know what God’s plan was for our life.  I was relieved to know that Michael was healthy.  I was nauseated because it felt like someone soccer kicked me in the stomach after hearing that news out loud.  I was tired because it had been a long journey.  I was tired of having to wear my BIG GIRL panties all the time.  It was just exhausting!  I was depressed because I was fearful that I may never be a mother, I would never be pregnant, and WE would never have a biological child. 

It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect. Psalm 18:32   

The next couple of months were kind of hard for us, but we were already dealing with the infertility issue since May 2011.  After the initial shock of having to deal with actually hearing the results out loud, I was numb.  I was just going through the motions once again.

 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

We still have faith in God.  We know He performs miracles.  We trust Him completely.  We have not and will never give up on God.  Now, let me say that we are only human.  This was my prayer: Lord, I praise You in the midst of this situation.  I confess I’m afraid that my prayers may never be answered the way that I desire.  I’m weary and discouraged from the waiting, and I feel I’m losing the strength to fight.  Forgive me, Lord, for not trusting You more.  Help me to hear Your voice and follow Your lead.  Thank You that You are in full control.

The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.  And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.  Psalm 9:9-10

My prayer changed from please fix the problem and heal Michael, to I want Your will for our life.  Lord, please guide us in the way You want us to go.  I want to be in Your will.

One night Michael and I had a heart to heart talk about how we both felt.  I don’t think we have ever seen each other that emotional.  But oh how great it felt to let it OUT!!!  I think we were both relieved to finally say what we felt without walking on egg shells around each other.  We were free from the power of silence!  We had both already released our emotions to the Lord in private, but not yet out loud and to each other.  We had a wound that needed to be cleaned out in order to allow for healing.  We were starting our new year in 2012 with a new prayer together.  We were praying for God’s will!

But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 1 Peter 4:13